I Was Pumping On The Toilet At 3 AM Because It Was The Only Seat That Didn't Hurt

I was pumping breast milk on the toilet at 3 AM because it was the only seat in my house that didn't make me scream.

My daughter was eleven days old. I had a second degree tear and 14 stitches. And the only place in my entire home where I could sit long enough to pump was the bathroom.

Not my glider. Not my couch. Not the nursing chair I spent four months picking out.

The toilet.

•••

Here's what nobody told me before I delivered.

They told me about contractions. They told me about breathing. They told me about skin-to-skin and when to call the doctor. They told me what to pack in my hospital bag — the onesies, the swaddles, the little hat.

Not one single person told me that sitting down would become the most painful part of my day.

Not my OB. Not the nurses. Not the books. Not my mom.

So when I got home and lowered myself onto the couch to feed my daughter for the first time, I wasn't ready. The pain was so sharp I gasped and almost dropped her.

It felt like someone was pressing a hot iron directly onto my stitches.

I would stand next to the couch and tear up before sitting down because I knew what was coming.

Breastfeeding is supposed to happen 8 to 12 times a day. Each session is 20 to 40 minutes. That's up to 6 hours of sitting. Per day. With stitches.

•••

I tried everything.

The hospital gave me an inflatable donut. It helped for about 36 hours and then it started losing air. By day three it was completely flat. I blew it back up. Flat again by dinner.

My mom bought me a foam ring cushion from CVS. Better than nothing, but I could still feel pressure on the stitches. The ring was pressing all around the wound instead of directly on it. Still contact. Still pain.

I tried sitting on my Boppy. Which meant I couldn't use the Boppy to actually nurse. I'd sit on it to get positioned, then pull it out from under me to put around my waist, and the second it was gone I was back on the bare chair.

I tried a folded towel. A regular pillow. Lying on my side for every feed. I tried standing and holding her — that lasted exactly one feeding before my arms gave out.

By day eight I started pumping exclusively because at least pumping I could do on the toilet, where there was a hole and nothing touched my stitches.

I gave up breastfeeding my newborn daughter because I couldn't sit down.

•••

That was my rock bottom.

It was 2-something in the morning, sitting on that toilet, pump going, crying. And I kept thinking — the toilet is the only seat that doesn't hurt. Why. Why is this the only one.

Then I stopped crying because the answer was so obvious I almost laughed.

The toilet doesn't hurt because there's a hole. An opening. My stitches aren't touching anything. They're hovering over empty space.

No pressure. No contact. Nothing pushing on the wound.

That's when it clicked.

•••

Every cushion I'd tried — the donut, the ring, the foam, the pillow — they were all trying to make the contact softer.

But they were all still touching the area that was torn and sewn back together.

It doesn't matter how soft something is. If it's pressing on it, it hurts.

I didn't need a better cushion. I needed nothing touching it at all.

•••

I picked up my phone right there — still on the toilet, still pumping — and started searching.

Not for a donut. Not for a ring. Something with an open cutout where my stitches would sit over nothing.

It took almost an hour. Most results were just more donuts. More inflatable rings.

Then I found one that was different.

The entire back section was open. Not a round hole in the middle like a donut. An actual open cutout where the tailbone and perineum sit over air. Your weight goes onto your thighs. The injured part touches nothing.

I ordered it at 3:47 AM and paid for rush shipping.

•••

It arrived two days later.

I put it on my glider. I sat down.

And nothing hurt. Nothing. No sharp pain. No pressure on my stitches. No bracing, no shifting, no gasping.

I just sat. Like a normal person.

I put my daughter on my breast and I nursed her. The whole session. Start to finish. Without handing her to my husband because I couldn't take it anymore. Without crying.

I just held her and fed her.

That was six weeks ago. I'm still using it. On the glider. On the couch. In the car. At my desk when I went back to work. The foam hasn't gone flat. It's the same cushion it was on day one.

I breastfeed in my glider now. Not on the toilet.

•••

Here's what I keep thinking about.

I almost quit breastfeeding. Not because of latch issues or supply problems. Because I couldn't sit down.

Because every seat in my house was pressing directly onto my stitches, and no one told me that was the problem. And every product I tried failed because they were all trying to make the contact gentler instead of removing it.

If I hadn't figured out the toilet thing, I would have stopped nursing my daughter at eleven days old. And I would have blamed myself. I would have said I wasn't strong enough. That my body failed me.

My body didn't fail me. Every chair in my house failed me. They're all designed for a body that hasn't just been through delivery.

•••

I don't know who needs to hear this right now.

Maybe you're sitting on a donut that isn't working. Maybe you're side-lying for every feed because you can't sit. Maybe you're pumping in the bathroom at 2 AM and you feel like something is broken.

Nothing is broken. The contact is the problem. And there's a cushion that removes it entirely.

It gave me back my glider, my couch, my car, my desk. But honestly? It gave me back feeding my daughter. That's the thing I almost lost.

You don't have to figure this out on the toilet at 3 in the morning. I already did it for you. There's a 90-day money-back guarantee, so there's no risk in finding out whether it changes how your next feeding feels.